What if?

July 19, 2005 was my expected due date. I often wonder what I would have had, who he or she would have looked like, what name would we have decided on...ect. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I found out I was pregnant on November 10, 2004. I had been trying to get pregnant for almost a year and it finally happened. I was on cloud nine. I immediately called everyone I knew to share my good news. My sister was about to give birth to her little girl and I was so excited that our children would be close in age and I just knew that they would be the best of cousins.
Monday, November 22 was like any other day. We were getting ready for our trip to TN for Thanksgiving. I went to class, got my hair done, washed clothes, and started to pack. I go to the rest room and noticed blood. I panic and call my sister. She tells me not to worry but to go to the hospital just to be safe. I call Corey at work and tell him what is going on. At this point, I think I'm pretty calm but I'm worried. We see the doctor (Dr. Payne of all names) and he has absolutely no bedside manner at all. I just remember crying when he walked in the room after checking me out because in my heart I knew what was happening. I began begging God to let me have this baby. I mean, He is God. He can perform miracles and I desperately needed him to make this happen.
We go home and I call my mom, dad, and sister. Of course, they don't know what to say but tell me they are there for me even if it's just to listen while I vent and cry. I think I pleaded with God for the next month or so. I was in denial. I bargained with God. I became angry. I mean, I worked in an environment where women (in my opinion) didn't have any business having any children. But they were having children left and right and getting them taken away. All I wanted was just one child and I couldn't even get that. Everyone told me things like "you're young, you will get pregnant again" and "everything happens for a reason" but I didn't want another baby. I wanted this baby.
My baby would probably be turning three today. November 10, 12, and July 19 will forever be special to me. I will never forgot those days and I will probably always think of the what ifs. I didn't think I was going to make it through. I didn't think I would be able to get through another pregnancy without making myself sick from worrying. But THANK GOD that I did. I look at my little girl now and I'm SOO grateful for her. I have so much love for her it is ridiculous. I remember going to the emergency room while I was in training in Atlanta (I was about 2 months pregnant then) because I was in so much pain and I was spotting. My mom went with me to the hospital (she just happened to be in Atlanta for an AKA convention...isn't it amazing how God worked that out?) and I'm trying my best to not worry, scream and/or cry. I immediately think the worse and start preparing myself for going through yet another miscarriage. I go to the bathroom to calm myself down and on my way back to the waiting room I feel a peace come over me. I can't explain it but all my worries and fears vanished. I remember smiling when I saw my mom. I had an ultrasound and Nadia (didn't have a name or know the sex at this time) is having a good ole time doing flips and everything.
Sometimes I still wish I never had a miscarriage but I've accepted it. God and the prayers of friends and family helped me get through it. And I'm thankful EVERYDAY that I have Nadia.