I'm just trying to help

It has been bothering me for the past 10 years and there is really nothing I can do about it. I just sit by and wait...and wait...and wait. I used to tell myself that I wouldn't be in this situation if I'd just kept my word, "I'm not going to...until you...". Before I knew it, I was doing the very thing that I said I wouldn't do with out my request being fullfilled. I had accepted it and moved on hoping that the situation would get resolved but I never would have thought 10 years later I would still be making the same request.
It's in my blood. I feel like I have to do something about it...but what really? I can make phone calls, but what would I say? Would I make the situation worse? I've done all that I know to do. I've said all that I know to say. So why can't I just leave it at that? I keep telling myself that it really doesn't involve me...atleast not directly. But it involves people that I love and care about. Maybe I'm just trying to help someone that doesn't want to be helped...or just doesn't want my help. That's it! Lesson learned. I can't helped those that aren't willing to helped to help themselves.
Now I'll just go back to doing one of the hardest things for me to do. Wait...and wait...and wait...

She did it!!

She signed milk. Corey and I were watching a movie (yes...it's our nightly thing since AFN sucks) and Corey says, "She signed milk. She wants some milk". Of course I'm skeptical so I continue to watch the movie. I notice the time and it is about the time for her to have her last bottle of the day. So I asked Corey if she really did it and for some reason I get this big, silly grin on my face. I sign/say to Nadia "Do you want milk?" and she looks at me as to say, "Yes...why teach me if you're not going to respond" then she signed milk again. I run to the kitchen, still smiling, and get her bottle ready. Then I decide to put it in a sippy cup. We've been giving her water from a sippy cup and she'll only drink about 2 ounces. I've tried giving her milk in a sippy cup but she doesn't want to have anything to do with it. I figured since she wanted milk, it wouldn't hurt to try a sippy cup and she drank it. She drank the milk from the sippy cup!! She signed milk and then drank it from a sippy cup. I'm cheesing as I write this. I didn't think I would get this excited once she started signing. Half the time when I'm signing to her she looks at me like I'm crazy. She just makes me so proud. I just love watching her accomplishments as little as they may be. Yay Nadia!!!

These are my confessions

As I aspire to be the best mom I can be, I'm finding out things don't always go as planned. I often end my day thinking "Oops, I forgot to do..." or "I should have done this instead of that". I'm sure I'm not the first (or the last) parent to have confessions but here are a few of mine. Okay, here it goes-

Some days (mostly on weekends) I'll leave Nadia in her pajamas all day
I sometimes forget to brush her teeth before she goes to bed (she has her two bottom teeth)
On Nadia's fussy days (which are few) I catch myself counting down until Corey comes home
I have put in a Baby Einstein DVD just so I can take a shower or get things done
I can't stand to hear her cry, so I put her in the bed with me and Corey at night
She doesn't have a lot of toys because I don't like character toys (Elmo, Dora...)
I haven't taken her for a walk around the neighborhood in a while
I have let her sleep an extra 30 minutes during nap time because I'm enjoying my "me time"

I know these aren't life threatening issues but sometimes I feel bad for forgetting to brush her teeth every night or wishing Corey could leave his job so I could get a break. I'm only human. I'm still learning the tricks and trades of being a mom and I'm sure as time goes on, more will be added to the list. As much as I try to think that I'm the "perfect mom" I have no shame in admitting that I'm not.

What if?

July 19, 2005 was my expected due date. I often wonder what I would have had, who he or she would have looked like, what name would we have decided on...ect. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I found out I was pregnant on November 10, 2004. I had been trying to get pregnant for almost a year and it finally happened. I was on cloud nine. I immediately called everyone I knew to share my good news. My sister was about to give birth to her little girl and I was so excited that our children would be close in age and I just knew that they would be the best of cousins.
Monday, November 22 was like any other day. We were getting ready for our trip to TN for Thanksgiving. I went to class, got my hair done, washed clothes, and started to pack. I go to the rest room and noticed blood. I panic and call my sister. She tells me not to worry but to go to the hospital just to be safe. I call Corey at work and tell him what is going on. At this point, I think I'm pretty calm but I'm worried. We see the doctor (Dr. Payne of all names) and he has absolutely no bedside manner at all. I just remember crying when he walked in the room after checking me out because in my heart I knew what was happening. I began begging God to let me have this baby. I mean, He is God. He can perform miracles and I desperately needed him to make this happen.
We go home and I call my mom, dad, and sister. Of course, they don't know what to say but tell me they are there for me even if it's just to listen while I vent and cry. I think I pleaded with God for the next month or so. I was in denial. I bargained with God. I became angry. I mean, I worked in an environment where women (in my opinion) didn't have any business having any children. But they were having children left and right and getting them taken away. All I wanted was just one child and I couldn't even get that. Everyone told me things like "you're young, you will get pregnant again" and "everything happens for a reason" but I didn't want another baby. I wanted this baby.
My baby would probably be turning three today. November 10, 12, and July 19 will forever be special to me. I will never forgot those days and I will probably always think of the what ifs. I didn't think I was going to make it through. I didn't think I would be able to get through another pregnancy without making myself sick from worrying. But THANK GOD that I did. I look at my little girl now and I'm SOO grateful for her. I have so much love for her it is ridiculous. I remember going to the emergency room while I was in training in Atlanta (I was about 2 months pregnant then) because I was in so much pain and I was spotting. My mom went with me to the hospital (she just happened to be in Atlanta for an AKA convention...isn't it amazing how God worked that out?) and I'm trying my best to not worry, scream and/or cry. I immediately think the worse and start preparing myself for going through yet another miscarriage. I go to the bathroom to calm myself down and on my way back to the waiting room I feel a peace come over me. I can't explain it but all my worries and fears vanished. I remember smiling when I saw my mom. I had an ultrasound and Nadia (didn't have a name or know the sex at this time) is having a good ole time doing flips and everything.
Sometimes I still wish I never had a miscarriage but I've accepted it. God and the prayers of friends and family helped me get through it. And I'm thankful EVERYDAY that I have Nadia.

What's the difference?

I just don't get it. How come a baby's rolls are just soo cute but rolls on 31 year old who stands about 5 foot 11 inches aren't. I mean, I kiss, pinch, and smile at Nadia rolls and then I walk away and get a quick glimpse of myself and I'm not thrilled at all. So what if I don't exercise or eat like I'm supposed to. Neither does Nadia. She can eat until she gets full and the doctors will say, "She's a healthy, growing little girl". It's just not fair. It has to work both ways. If it is cute on her it is cute on me....right? Now I must go eat me some fried chicken fingers, french fries and maybe some chocolate cookies. And I'm gonna top if off with a diet coke...lol

Ask and you shall receive

Last night my husband and I had finished watching a movie and eating dinner. As I'm thinking of all the things I need to do before I get ready for bed, I say to Nadie, "Ask daddy if he will wash the dishes for mommy". Nadie says something in her own language... either "girl you know he isn't gonna wash those dishes" or "daddy, if you wash the dishes for mommy I won't give you any problems at bedtime". Corey looks at me and I can see the wheels turning in his head.

A little background... Corey HATES to do the dishes. Putting them in the dishwasher is his only option. I don't think I have ever seen him hand wash dishes. I, on the other hand, can not stand for dishes to be washed in the dishwasher. I just don't think they get clean enough. I guess I suffer from a mild case of OCD.

Anyhoo, our dishwasher doesn't work and Corey knows he will have to hand wash them. I had asked Corey a couple of weeks ago if he would wash them for me and he said no...well I didn't ask him I stated "don't you want to wash the dishes for me" and that's when he said no. Of course I get mad and try not to break every dish as I'm washing them. Then something said, "you didn't ask him to wash them for you, you asked him if he wanted to wash them. You knew the answer to that before you even asked the question".

I start to get Nadie ready for bed and Corey goes in the kitchen and starts WASHING THE DISHES. Yes he washed the dishes by hand and I only had to ask him once. It's the little things like this that remind me why I love this man so much. He doesn't have to buy me a dozen roses or spend all of his money on me. I'm simple...just help me around the house and I'm good. Needless to say, I went to bed a happy woman. Now, if I can just get him to change a few more dirty diapers...

What to do???

Well, my little girl will be turning one soon. While I was pregnant, I always said that I wasn't going to work until she was atleast 18 months. We've since moved to Germany thus loosing friends, family, coworkers...my support system. We were only allowed to ship one car, therefore leaving me without a car all day or waking up at the butt crack of dawn to take my husband to work (for some reason he thinks he has to be the VERY first person at his job).
So here's my dilemma. I"m soo ready to go back to work but I'm still not ready to leave my daughter with someone else. I'm ready to meet people and have some adult time. And since I'm not one to go out of my way to meet people (I'm somewhat quiet), getting a job is the easiest way for me to meet people. I realize that many women don't have the option of being a stay at home mom and I'm thankful to my husband for being the sole provider right now without complaint.
I was thinking I could start off slow by getting a part-time job just to see how that goes. I've been going to a baby sign language class and Nadie does WONDERFUL. It's like I don't exist until she gets tired and that's when she realizes that I'm there also. So I think she will be fine in someone else's care, I'm not fine with her being in someone else's care. Am I being selfish? I'm not sure I'll ever be able to leave her with someone (other than family and close friends) but I know it will have to be done eventually...for her sake and mine.